A short handbook for aspiring sales disasters
Here’s a quick list of Ten Things you can do to make sure that when it comes to selling you are successfully on track to be a complete and utter failure. This is a well trodden path so these are proven tips to successfully make you unsuccessful. Who knows, you may already be well on your way – how many of these sound familiar?
1. Make it all about you. Never waste time understanding the customer. Their goals only get in the way of your product monologue. If they try to explain their situation, interrupt them quickly so you can get back to your slides.
2. Assume you already know everything. Curiosity slows you down. Questions suggest humility and humility is for winners, not losers. Best just not to show any interest in the customer and stick rigidly to your script. Ignore anything unexpected the customer says.
3. Be relentlessly positive. If the customer mentions a problem, don’t explore it. Brush it off. Tell them everything will be fine once they buy your stuff. Problems create uncomfortable conversations and you don’t want that.
4. Price is the only thing that matters. Lead with it. Apologise for it. Drop it at the first hint of pushback. Discounting on demand is a losers best friend. A true loser never talks about value.
5. Prepare as little as possible. Research is for people who care and, let’s face it, you don’t. Just turn up and wing it – it’s so much more fun. If you recognise someone in the room, great. If not, pretend you do.
6. Never follow a sales process. Processes help you think clearly. Thinking clearly might accidentally lead to insight. Jump straight to your pitch. It saves time and ensures you stay firmly in transactional territory.
7. Avoid decision-makers at all costs. Senior people ask difficult questions. They may make decisions but it’s easier to stick with the most junior, friendliest contact in the business and invest all your hopes in them.
8. Treat objections as personal attacks. Respond emotionally. Defend yourself. Argue. Cry? Under no circumstances explore what the objection actually means. If all else fails, just ignore them.
9. Keep opportunities open forever. Never create momentum, never qualify anything out, and never ask for commitment. A huge, stagnant pipeline is the hallmark of a world-class loser. It’s your first line of defence at sales meetings when you’re asked what you’re working on.
10. Never learn, never practise, never improve. This should be your mantra. Top performers train. They reflect and learn. Losers wouldn’t be caught doing that. If you must attend a training session, sit at the back, fold your arms and wait for it to be over. Remember: Winning is for losers.